Ambrosia
by ClassyClassic16
Summary: It's been 6 months since Maura left, and now she's back. But Jane's changed... she's found a new love.


**I'm not entirely sure how I came up with this, but I did. Apologies if it's not as accurate as it should be and sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. **

**Warning! Drug use and Character death  
**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Fuck these jitters. They're making me sick. I hate them, fucking hate them... and this stammering is going to be the death of me. Needle goes in painlessly… or painfully. Honestly, it's been so long that I can't figure out the two anymore. All I know is that I haven't hit a vein and I have to try again. This is the fourth fucking time, and I still can't prick a good vein because of these shaking hands!

I really want to slam the needle on the floor in protest, but I'd loose that beautiful golden heroin, that sweet drug… the liquid calms me down, stops the shaking, makes me less… insane. Man, I'm sounding crazy addicted, but I am and I know it. Tough luck, I need it now, no fucking stopping.

In goes the syringe… again. My trembling hands miss the vein… again! God, I'm in a cold sweat now, and this is driving me crazy. Except I'm already there. This is fucking crazy. How have I missed the goddamn vein, what? 5 times? The pinpricks of blood are running down my arm. I'm so fucking tired, I couldn't sleep at all last night; but now I'm nervous. Out of my mind nervous, and I still have no clue why.

Maura will be here in 10 fucking minutes, and I can't be in withdrawal then. Not that it would matter really. If I got my fix all at once, I'd probably overdose. Of course I have to calm the fuck down… I'm swearing too much too, I can tell. Maura will surely point it out to me, goddamn princess that she is. _Stop it Rizzoli_! I slam the side of my head. _Stop it! Maura's the only friend you actually have! _

Still, I hate the prissy bitch sometimes. No I don't… fuck it yes I do. Calm Down! Fuck this habit! Damn it to hell and back… just give me the heroin, and I'll calm down... I don't hate Maura, I can't. I never could… stupid demons. I'd hate myself, but I need this fix.

Goddamnit! Fucking needle! I finally throw it on the bed, screaming. I know the neighbors can hear me, and I don't care at this point. "Will you stop shaking!" I yell louder. I've started talking like that, like I'm another person. I really am, I guess.

One more time, one last time, and I'll stop. If I can't get the vein this time, I swear I'll stop. I roll up my sleeve, and clench down hard on my teeth. Plunger goes down, Heroin goes in, breath goes out. I smile, finally it got in. Damn straight. I knew I would. It always goes in on the last try. The needle goes under the bed with the others.

Fuck, this rash is making me crazy too. I'm scratching at my arms again, picking at scabs I didn't know I had. I've dropped weight. I can feel it. With all the fucking drugs I've been doing lately, it's a miracle that I haven't just disappeared. Maura wanted to go out this morning, just because she's back from vacation and all; otherwise I'd probably snort some coke before running a bath.

Honestly, I can't remember when this got so bad; sure there were the few joints here and there, then a few lines of coke, but every fucking night I'm doing something. I have some ecstasy pills lying around somewhere, and I'll probably rip up the apartment tonight looking for them. Still, nothing can really calm me down like heroin. That bag of coke cost me a small fortune, and now I'm flat broke, but I really don't care. It's scary. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. It's like Maura left, and I just gave up. Who knew you could get so hooked on these things in just 6 months.

Fuck, another cold sore. Sick of these fucking things popping up all the time. I'm dropping weight like it's nobody's business, I guess I just haven't been feeling that well. I just ache and shit all the time… I honestly should pop so aspirin, but with everything else, it wouldn't work.

I look in the mirror in the bathroom. I can barely see the actual mirror through the layer of God knows what. I haven't cleaned in months, I know. There's another sore on my cheek, or raw skin or something. It looks like I fell asleep on one of my needles, and it's ugly as hell. I shouldn't put makeup on that, so I guess a band-aid will have to do. It looks stupid, and I look stupid, but I am stupid. Let's get real here.

Fucking doorbell! Shut up! This headache will kill me! Just come in the goddamn house Maura! You used to do that all the time before! I grip the sink, trying to calm down. Fuck, I feel low. I'm pissed, and I feel tired and beat…

I just get my strength together and go to the door, swinging it open. Maura looks stunned, and I just look at her, grimacing, upset. I don't know. I just exhale and try to smile.

"Morning," Definitely not a good one. So much tolerance has me still twitching, but at least that little shot… no it did absolutely nothing. Who am I kidding?

"Good morning Jane," Maura's looking me up and down. Yeah, I've changed. 6 months is a fucking long time ok? "Are you alright?"

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be. Does it look like I'm not alright? Jeez Maura, why do you have to interrogate me so early in the morning?" I look down at my shirt, blinking back tears. I have no idea why I'm crying, they're just there. There goes the band-aid…

"Well, you don't look well. Jane, you look unnaturally thin and… you look sick. What's on your cheek?" I slap her hand away before she can touch me.

"Maura, just calm down alright. You're getting on my case about dropping weight, about my skin. Is there ever a time when you're not so fucking paranoid?" I run my fingers through my hair, and I pull out more strands. She eyes them soberly, and I want to scream. If you came here to judge me, just leave already.

"Jane, you need to calm down. I'm not interrogating you. I haven't seen you in months; I just want a nice morning brunch with my friend." She says, standing firm. Good, I haven't scared her off yet.

"Yeah, and who's fault was that?" I practically scream. God, I'm so pissed off, but all I can think about is going into the kitchen and slashing my wrists. I shake my head, but I honestly can't tell if it's voluntary. "For fuck's sake Maura, come here. I'm calm alright? See, I'm not yelling or screaming or breaking anything. I'm fucking calm. Now are we going out for brunch or what?"

"I think after breakfast, we should go to a doctor." Maura tries to reach out again, but I smack her away. Stop doing that!

"Maura, when you called, you wanted brunch. I'll give you brunch, and then I'm coming home. That's it. You can stay if you want, but I'm not going to a doctor. I don't need to waste time and money to have them tell me I have a cold sore." I whisper. I feel to low. Something's happening, and I have no idea what.

"And a sore on your cheek? Really Jane?" Maura's giving me another look. God, that makes me feel even more like shirt, but my head is spinning, and I don't want to move yet. "Or are you just afraid the doctor will find out about your heroin usage?"

What? Did I just hear that correctly? Maura's been here 5 minutes and she can already tell you're on the drug. What the hell? "Big fucking deal." Man, I really feel like I can't breath. I'm trying to catch my breath, but I can't.

"Jane, I can tell you're in withdrawal…" Maura trails off and I know what she wants to say. She can't believe that it's gotten this bad in 6 months either. "You couldn't have gotten that bad… in that period of time…"

"Of course it's possible, look at me." I say, trying to breath. Fuck… I can't breath, and my chest hurts. Of course this happened. It was a matter of time. Too bad Maura has to see this.

"Oh God!" Maura screams, and she catches me as I fall forward. I want to tell her not to give me CPR, I just don't want her to touch these sores. Whatever… no, not whatever… this is Maura Isles we're talking about. Whatever I have, I don't want to pass it to her. "Jane! Jane, can you hear me!"

I look at her. I can still do that. I feel sore as hell and tired and I really can't breath. She's taking my hand, but I really don't want her too. It feels nice, but it has so many scabs. She really can't get infected. I'm gasping, I can feel it.

"Jane, you need CPR!" She screams, but she can't start until I'm fully out… and that's coming quickly… fuck… breathe! Breathe!... breathe…


End file.
